| Thanksgiving |
[Nov. 24th, 2005|01:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I dont know whats wrong with me...
Thanksgiving is all about family time and I'm not going home, even tho I live 10 minutes away from camps...
My family hates me and that doesnt make me feel any better about myself ya know? Too much shit, and I cant fluidly express myself now...or ever prolly...and even tho cryin makes me feel like a bitch, and no one thinks I do it cuz I'm a fuckin G...I do that shit almost nightly...
another pillow-soaked nite... |
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| It doesn't hurt....right? |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|03:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
It doesn't hurt to start writing in this bitch again does it? Wash U is rough as hell, but I've found a new crew that actually seems to care and a person I REALLY think I care about...So shit's going pretty well...I mean, I have my lows, which are pretty low and some would consider psychotic...I mean I've cut myself at one point, but now I understand why people do that shit...I felt better afterwards, only now my arm is fucked up and I have to hide that shit from my parents pretty much forever!!!! But I love doris(even tho she's a silly ass white girl) and greg is just my nigga!!! Jing jang jong is alright too...happy birthday by the way lil mama!!!! So life is life right? I mean I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I go to class, basketball practice, study, eat, drink, sleep, pretty much in that order, and shit is starting to be alright I guess...I mean, I'm still dealing with A LOT of shit people don't know about and trying to keep up that"bad ass" facade, but shit gets real rough sometimes, and when I act how I actually feel, people think I've fallen into a deep depression and lost my mind when in all reality...my mind has been pretty fucked up fpr that past couple of years and I've prolly been depressed for just about that long... But I feel like nobody wants to hear about my shit and my problems and so when they ask I tell 'em im str8 because a special and select few people ACTUALLY want to know what the fuck is going on in my life...not to say that im not blessed, but i have my share of issues just like everyone else ya know? And on top of everything, I miss my niggas from FAM...they know whats up, I dont have to explain shit to them and I can cry, complain, or cuss about anything i want/need to to them...thats my family...they'll always be there, and thats real shit!!! Luckily, I think I've found some people here that can almost be P-Foot '03 to me!!! It's good to feel cared about again...FINALLY!!! I mean by people other than those obligated to be there...ya know?
Well...I guess its bout that time i holla @ my pillow...
It feels good to smile every once in a while...
nite!
Im a animal yes I am a animal!!! |
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| It's been a while, but... |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|07:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored as fuck | ] |
I know it't been a minute since I've hit up my journal...big things have happened so why not inform the good people of this blog world. I got my tattoo (left wrist), it hurt like shit but it's hot! I'm tryin out for the basketball team @ Washington University next year so I've started working out with the team and shit...6 am lifting is a bitch...which also strains my social life since I try to go to sleep asl early as possible to make sure I get up to work out. Just finished my first week coaching basketball kids and I fell in love with them (not Michael Jackson style). I'm still all alone, and I h8 school, but I'm tryin to make it through...feel me? Tryin to get my mind right early for architecture studio next year...Bein me, cuz like my momma says, all I HAVE to do (after college of course) is stay black and die!!!
ima hustla ima ima hustla homie
ima hustla ima ima hustla homie
nigga ax
nigga nigga ax about me
nigga ax
nigga nigga ax about me |
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| Cardboard Chair |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|01:16 pm] |
So,
This assignment for school is so random and intriguing to me that i felt the need to share it with all of you...in my architecture design studio class we have to make a SEAT USING ONLY CARDBOARD...originally we were broken up into groups...one could use only one piece of cardboard and slits to connect it to itself wasting nothing, one was allowed to cut shapes into the one piece of cardboard they were alloted wasting as much or as little as they please as well as slits to connect, the final group was able to use as many pieces as their little hearts desired but could only fold the box in rectangular shapes and were not allowed to use slits to connect...Needless to say we had a daunting task on our hands...which the majority of the class failed miserably in completing, myself included!!!! My seat, unfortunatetly, was not even sturdy enough to pass the 2 foot drop test, which we werent informed would occur...Well, now we are allowed the use of one connector to produce this chair...no glue, no adhesive, a binder clip...perhaps a large rubberband, and piece of string (as long as you please) but this chair is due on monday...as in three days...ask in 4 days less than we got to make the piece of shit seats our instructor destroyed today...and so i ask for your prayers as the duration of my weekend may very well be spent in the architecture building...slaving over and crafting the PERFECT and most aesthectically pleasing chair/seat (who's to say what the difference is) my body can conjure up...After which i shall sit in it and bask in the glory that is my wonderfully made CARDBOARD CHAIR....
Thank you all...and good nite |
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| School |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|11:52 am] |
So I, see now why it sux so much to not stay on campus while your in school...Especially seeing as how my dad works where I go, I have to get up like 2 extra hours earlier than I would and go with him to work and wait for my classes to start...and then when I have big ass gaps in between classes like I do right now...I have to sit around and do nothing cuz its not like I can skip over to my dorm and take a nap....I DONT HAVE A DAMN dorm..i'm stugglin here aside from that, school is awesome, sure Ive only had one day of class and will eventually be depressed and bogged down with homework assignements from here to pluto...but I gotta enjoy it while it lasts...and dear GOD do I need a dorm on campus....THEY"RE KILLIN ME HERE...
hey baby i was thankin of u, yeah but was you thankin of me? |
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| So |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|09:17 am] |
So i haven't hit this joint up in a good little minute...my bad!!! I'm finally almost set with Wash U...today starts the first day of classes and i'm fully equipped with my cool printed tee, faded jeans and spongebob book bag (spongebob is the shit, i dont give a fuck what n e on says) My first class doesnt start till 10 and i'm still living @ home because I still havent had my housing secured!!!! We'll see what's really good with that soon enough...I'm meeting extra cool peoples here and i think i just might be aight stayin in the lou...if i dont have to reside with the good reverend 4EVER...
Guess Ima head on out to the side of campus where my classes actually are...
HOLLA @ YA GIRL |
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| My Daddy |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|10:02 pm] |
Why can't we all have a father like Beyonce's? According to her song on the "Dangerously in Love" album...that man is off chain!!!!
I dont try to make my dad sound like an asshole but he seems just to be that way sometimes...I have a disease that is by no means my fault and actually was obtained from an extremely traumatizing experience...I asked him to pay for the medicine this evening because it is rather experience and it seems that (although i only have to take it on a neccesity basis) i ALWAYS have to take it!!! On top of that, i have post-traumatic stress disorder so him going off on me for asking him to buy the shit doesnt help...and i think i may very well be depressed...I know that God has a plan for everyone's life, but i dont see where he's going right now with this one...ya know what i mean? This is something i will have forever and therefore the memory will be there forever and i wont ever be the same...rather than my father being supportive through this extremely trying time in my life it seems like he's pushing me even harder than before...and fuck the bullshit about that being his way of coping with stuff...im the one who has to live with all of this shit happening to me....WHY CAN'T MY DADDY BE LIKE BEYONCE'S?
treasure every irreplacable memory and that't y, i want my unborn son to be like my daddy, i want my husband to be like my daddy-Beyonce
oh yea, and Halle Berry is sexy as hell but Cat Woman sucked ASS |
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| My Daddy |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|10:02 pm] |
Why can't we all have a father like Beyonce's? According to her song on the "Dangerously in Love" album...that man is off chain!!!!
I dont try to make my dad sound like an asshole but he seems just to be that way sometimes...I have a disease that is by no means my fault and actually was obtained from an extremely traumatizing experience...I asked him to pay for the medicine this evening because it is rather experience and it seems that (although i only have to take it on a necessity basis) i ALWAYS have to take it!!! On top of that, i have post-traumatic stress disorder so him going off on me for asking him to buy the shit doesnt help...and i think i may very well be depressed...I know that God has a plan for everyone's life, but i dont see where he's going right now with this one...ya know what i mean? This is something i will have forever and therefore the memory will be there forever and i wont ever be the same...rather than my father being supportive through this extremely trying time in my life it seems like he's pushing me even harder than before...and fuck the bullshit about that being his way of coping with stuff...im the one who has to live with all of this shit happening to me....WHY CAN'T MY DADDY BE LIKE BEYONCE'S?
treasure every irreplaceable memory and that't y, i want my unborn son to be like my daddy, i want my husband to be like my daddy-Beyonce
oh yea, and Halle Berry is sexy as hell but Cat Woman sucked ASS |
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| Butterfly Effect |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|12:31 pm] |
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Poll: Have you seen the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher and that chick? AMAZING movie...I feel like i needed to see it...I mean he went through so much shit to fix everyone's life, but everything just got fucked up! Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time...not necessarily to the beginning of my life, but what if things were different? What if that nite I told him he couldnt come over instead of being the nieve ass that I was and letting him in? What if I hadnt told him im a lesbian, I'm sure that was the only element of my existence that sparked his interest...that nigga wanted to turn me out, (his words verbatum) and he did, he turned me inside out, backwards, upside down, every way but str8 (and i mean that in more ways than one)! But if i were to go back and change that incident, fight back, not let him in, what different traumatic event would i have experienced in it place? Would i still be here? Would my life be worth living...is my life worth living? Am i a better person because ive survived it? have i survived yet? i can no longer live this tainted life, everyday being reminded of the wrong that was done to me...but all i can think of is how my actions will effect those around me..for them i cannot...will not take my life |
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| Close Call |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|11:14 pm] |
i once had a close encounter with comfort
i saw you and instantly knew
that my close encounter with comfort
it had to be with you
it started off so simply as a nodding of the head
no laboured greetings or farwells needed ever to be said
as a nod grew to a smile and a smile to a spoken word
my love for you, it blossomed and grew and my vision, it became blurred
i once had a close call with someone
who could put me nearly at ease
you melted my heart as if someone
who knew they could do with me what they please
and finally i fell under your spell when i looked into your eyes
the jackpot would be comfort and you would be my prize
and then the day you held me
i leaned back in your arms
you and i became we
and the world could do us no harm
and i turned my head to kiss you
as in love lovers do
looked in your eyes and saw your face
the comfort had vanished without a trace
but not all of it was gone
we'd had it for too long
the comfort still was there
you couldnt jsut not care
so my close call with comfort
wasnt reall that close at all
cause i saw my close call with comfort
walking down the hall
saying their goodbyes
wiping their tears from their eyes
turning a new page in their book
but not before giving me one last look
and while that day i watched my close call with comfort depart
my close call with comfort will forever be in my heart
~by ME NIGGA!!!!
what ya'll didnt know? we got a poet in this bitch...
lemme know what you think, I just wrote it and its by no means my best one!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2004|09:27 pm] |
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I know I haven't holla-ed @ you people in a little minute but im back mfers...MUSIQ Soulchild is comin to the lou on the 26th of August and I will be there!!!! Me, my homie g, and k-poo are gonna hit that bitch up!!! We're gonna make a nite of it...dinner, desert, and the concert!!! Hell to the mutha fuckin yea...and let my daddy say I can't go...I dont give a fuuuu this time!!!! He acts like a damn female on her period sometime, I'm tired of that shit ya know?
Why do I love Will and Grace so much, and y is Ellen Degeneres so funny? And y do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are hear? Oh my bad, got a little carried away...QUESTION TO WHOMEVER would like to answer...I fear that I may be a lone for the rest of my life but just from my personality...u know, what ur reading... you think I ever have a chance of finding someone?
You just said bone without giggling....Oh my geez, I'm growing up, I said bone without giggling.....hehehe Bone |
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| Back from Tally-Ho!!! |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
Well, im back from Tally, got all my shit, and I'm ready to start school in the lou...are they ready for me? Oh of course I would like to thank everyone who left love for me so i felt special when I got back...oh wait...ABSOLUTELY NO ONE DID...I would go off but it's not you people I'm upset about, it was probably the 15 hour drive back with my back seat driving father and my well...passenger seat driving mom!!! Im tired, my hair is nappy, im stressed out, and ALWAYS lonely!!!
Ima go holla @ my pillow peeps
Are you ready? For what? To jig! Jig what? Jig-a-lo!!! |
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| Im @ work |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|01:43 pm] |
Peep, game...
This is gonna have to be another quick one since im @ the J-O-B...So my parents finally decided 2nite that they're making me come with them to Florida....no this is no family QT trip...this is a get the rest of ur shit, talk to the lawyers if necessary, sign any papers for my leave of absence from FAM trip...WHAT?! Lawyers?
Yea, it's a long ass story that ya'll mutha fuckas aint ready to hear and im not ready to tell
So, Wednesday and Thursday Im out...leave love for me so I feel special when i get back...and pray I dont see the mutha fucka thats caused all my problems cuz u wont ever hear from me again...i'll be chillin in jail
I TOLD THEM MUTHA FUCKAS
I AIN NEVA SCURRED |
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| Im back mutha fuckas...did u miss me? |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
GUESS WHO"S BZACK!!!!
So i'm done bowlin...now lemme tell u bout these mutha fuckas...well first off the little sister has down syndrome (ABSOLUTELY nothing to make fun of, but i'm bout to ride out on her big brother and sister) and aside from the fact that i have a feeling she doesnt like me very much...shes str8!!!! Y do i think she doesnt like me? Well right b4 everybody was about to dip she's screamin "somebody listen to me" so I try to be nice and i'm all like "what's up lil mama, what you need" and she looks at me, rolls her eyes and says "no, i'm not talkin to you"...now if i were in my wrong mind then i wouldn't give a good got damn what was wrong wit ya ass...u dont talk to me like that..shit i'll cold cock a bitch in the throat after the age of like 5 (fuck around have ya ass talkin like michael jackson the rest of ya life) JUS PLAYIN I LOVE THE KIDS!!!!
Now the older brother is 22 right? he str8 2 i guess except for he's extra into bowling... i mean, the nigga had his own shoes, bowling ball, and "arm warmer" NUFF SAID
I guess the older sister is str8 too except she tried to cop a little attitude when i was trying to figure out how their "adopted little sister" knew my older brother...and speakin of the adopted little sister
...if only ole girl were two years older...i felt like a petafile...i mean I just recently turned 18 myself but lil f was cute as hell (once again i dont spit out government names so gotta work with me on the nicknames, im makin em up as i go)
And i would ride out extra hard on my sister if she weren't....well, my sister...thats aight tho, we gon get her some new kicks, do a couple sit-ups and pray for her...im not the skinniest bitch i know, but mine is baby fat...it works for me...
N T WAYZ
might b going to florida 2morrow nite to get the rest of my shit...really dont want to...speaking of my shit...why this bitch JUV-E who was supposed to be holding some of my shit in FLA say they moved out of the room or whatever... which is chill....only she said she assumed (which as we all know makes an ass out of you and me) that i would come by and get my stuff...SO this HOE...put my shit "neatly folded" she claims, in a BIG ASS mutha fuckin trash bag outside the room (now they come in and inspect shit b4 they let the next group of people move into a dorm right? )so what the hell do you think some NIGGAS did when they saw a BIG ASS mutha fuckin trash bag outside the door...either someone else is pimpin my shit now or my shit is in the garbage...dis bitch owe me some mutha fuckin money, or need to find my shit...dumb ass niggas...damn now im heated
I GET SO LONELY (and unlike Janet) I'LL LET JUST ABOUT ANYBODY HOLD ME
IF YOUR MAD IM ON TOP...THEN WISH ME GONE, IF YOUR MAD IM ON THE ROAD...THEN WISH ME HOME, AND IF YOUR MAD THAT IM RIGHT...PUNK WISH ME WRONG, BUT AFTER YOUR THREE WISHES...BLOW IT OUT YA ASS
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| A Quickie...*wink wink* |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|07:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
K, this shit is bout to be hella quick
So this girl, called me and asked me if I wanted to go bowling with her and he sibling and of course I would bring along chubbs (term of endearment, no she wont get a complex)!!! So im like whatever cuz I'm always up to gettin out of the house right
Except the more and more I think about the fact the I said yes, the more and more I regret it...one I gotta pay for chubbs and myself (mutha fuckas never have money at the most convenient times right?), two she gon be hungry and ima hafta buy her chubby ass sumthin, and three and most importantly, the mutha fuckas im bout to go bowlin with are strange as fuck...like of the chains, like i could sit down, watch these mutha fuckas all day and be either entertained or annoyed...So ta fuck am I doin goin somewhere with these summumma bitches? fuck if i know...and I tried to get one of my friends to come work with me but niggas be workin nites now so Im solo on this bitch...
trust you will hear ALLL about it when I return...hopefully sonner than you think
YOUR NOW TUNED INTO THE MUTHA FUCKIN GREATEST!!!!
oh yea, in case you didnt know, im gonna be the next great philosopher....peep shit "a sober mind, is not always the best mind"
get at me |
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| Happy B-day TK!!! |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|01:03 am] |
Sundays are always interesting... I was @ church till like 530 (church picnic) OH WHAT FUN!!! The highlight of my day however would be when my boi called me up screamin talkin bout his birthday and shit...after i checked with the parental, because as you know if you're keepin up wit my ass...I HAVE TO, i got the go ahead and im kickin it hella hard with my mutha fuckin dawg
chocolate licorice shots? not too shabby, doin it for my mutha fuckin dawg
lightin up a CIGAR? n e time, specially for my mutha fuckin dawg
and this lil nigga is off the damn chains when that bitch is high and drunk...a DAMN fool!!!!
SO....happy birthday to my mutha fuckin dawg...i'll holla...oh, and y did my mom find a pic of my best friend and her "@ the time girl" making out, which led to the third degree...damn damn damn...GWD fuckin up all over (i dont call out government names...not my style)
Leave one for ya girl...and i'll holla back
SEE MY NIGGAS DONT DANCE THEY JUST PULL UP THEY PANTS AND...DO THE ROCK AWAY! NOW LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|09:01 pm] |
Peep game...
Im 18 right, legal and shit...so why in the hell does my dad have me on lock down like im 12 and bout to go fuck the whole football team? First off I kick it with pretty much all gay dudes so no worries of sex there, second seeing as how Im gay Im not really feelin n e niggas anyway...
this man is ridiculous!!!!
Anyone who thinks that hanging out is innately bad, has actually said to you that your happiness isn't important to him, and put the weight of the world on you in saying that you have to do well in school for his reputation to be upheld is a little ridiculous dont you think?
I guess its just hard to let go!!! but I'm a good kid, I just wonder how long it's gonna take him to realize it...sure I lied once and said I was going to a picnic and ended up at teh biggest gay parade in st. louis, but I honestly think ive learned from that mistake and paid for it 100 times over!!! The issue wasn't me lying, it was me going to a "BIG GAY" thing...that's what all my problems with my father THE PASTOR are rooted...the GAY thing
thats what you get for being honest and open with the good reverend, dont get me wrong, I'm still all about God and struggling to find myself and understand God's way for my life!!! Is that hypocritical? I don't think so, but you tell me!!!
My baby's back in town...haaaaay:) I hope I get to see her b4 she's back off to Cali...we will see |
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| Hard to say goodbye? |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|12:18 am] |
Is it really that hard to say goodbye? I mean you hype the shit up...you picture in your mind the drama and sentimental last words spoken between you, but the gradeur you've injected into the event is a bit extreme...in the end a simple "bye chick", a half smile, and a lazy wave were all you needed to close out that lustfull chapter of your life...will you remember them? hell yea...always? who's to say...can you get on with your life? most definitely...was a tear shed for your loss? maybe half a tear!!!! So is it hard to say goodbye? To someone you really know, you really care about, you love...I dont know I've never had to...but it wasnt hard to say goodbye to her...the anticpation was worse than THE EVENT...
So I went to church 2nite for "First Friday" which is basically a boot-leg Def Poetry Jam and apparently you only truly get recognition from the members there if you perform...one would think that would inspire me to perform right? Only if the spirit moves me...and I want my stuff to be HOTT if I'ma do it...not no wet, soggy, luke-warm, half-rehearsed, naughty poem about FORNICATION...that aint what you want playa...
I am ready for love...why are you hiding from me? I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivatiy. If you give me half a chance I'll prove this to you. I can be patient, kind, faithful and true...to a _______ who loves freedom, a _______who loves art, respects the spirit world, and thinks with ______ heart-India Arie
See my ni99as don't dance we just pull up our pants and...do the rock away!!! now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back-Terror Squad |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2004|06:42 pm] |
So we all know kinda why I'm here now...here are my thoughts...
no one ever wants anyone to leave...especially if a fondness for that character has been formed, or an admiration...it was so hard for me to go away to school regardless of how much I despised my father...and it's hard for me to take a year off and stay home from school know that I have established some strong friendships in the dirty south...and now there are people here whom I feel like I just bonded with and must move on and tackle the next phase in their life plan...time is precious...I open my heart too wide and get hurt on an ongoing basis, not necessarily even hurt, just disappointed:( [Oh, but why are you pretty much a grown ass woman and you're still upset about something that happened over a week ago? Get over it MF and we explained to yo happy ass what was up so everything should be str8...speaking of str8...who is these days? lol embrace the rainbow ;)] BUT I DIGRESS...all that to day...IF YOU MUST LEAVE ME, AS IT SEEMS EVERYONE I GROW TO CARE FOR DOES, I ONLY ASK THAT YOU REMEMBER ME AND MY SMILE
love, whether fake or real...i think i need it right now |
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| Y I'm Here |
[Aug. 4th, 2004|11:09 pm] |
Peep game...what is a person always initially judged on? Their appearance, because clearly its the first thing people see!!! That's why I found this place. I think everyone needs to find a place where people can get to know them based on the shit goin on in their head before you can even formulate opinions based on appearance...Im a hell of a lot deeper than people may think I appear. And in the past while I couldn't say that I have been through any particularly life-altering events...after a year at Florida A&M University (FAM) I've been through some real shit..(shit i'll be dealing with for the rest of my time here) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? But, who's to say when you've actually "survived" or traversed through your event...Peep shit, I'm the type of person that seeks approval from everyone around me, whether I've known you all my life or all of five minutes. One could say I'm naive, which probably put me in some of the situations I faced over this past year. So I'm here because I want you to understand. Understand who I am, and why I'm here, and what happened and how what happened affected me and everyone around me...only I'm not ready to tell it yet and people might not necessarily be ready to hear it. One thing I learned and perfected @ FAM was putting on the "it's all good" facade when on the inside my world was going to shit!!! I know now more than ever that my life, my pain, my experiences affect others and rather than show them I hurt, I try to be strong for everyone...ok so y not talk to a counselor (got one...she's killin me) y not write in a normal journal (nosey people in the household have previously invaded the privacy that way and no hard copy of myself will ever again be exposed to them)!!!
those are just my thoughts...just what i was feelin @ the time~jay-z
peep game
judgment has come/find it and return to the one/abandon the flesh/self interest broadway to death/pride and the greed/hide and subdiving the seed/the knowledge of good and evil is what caused us to lie/caused us to die/let your emotions be crucified/renounce all your thoughts/repent and let your mind be retaught/you'll find what you sought/was based on a deception you bought/a perception of naught/but a majority remains caught/loving a lie/not realizing in adam or die-Lauryn Hill
real shit
get at me...input is imperative
forever changed since may 27th 2004 |
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